This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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