dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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