Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
