Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize