I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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