if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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