my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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