nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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