Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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