I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
