I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
