what day is it and did you see me today?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
