so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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