I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize