This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
