I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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