So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
