I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
