Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
