so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize