Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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