Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
