I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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