A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
