Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
