i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
