So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
