whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize