I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
