i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
