If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
