went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My legs feel like baby dolphins
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
