I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
