I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
