I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
