We're like a lot better than the average bears
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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