i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
