god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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