My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
