all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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