Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That was an excessively violent trivia night
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
