we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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