Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
