You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
