it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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