Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
