What did we do last night that was yellow?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
