I'm pants shitting drunk right now
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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