did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
