i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
