Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
