Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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