She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
