On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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