omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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