I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
