He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize