Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
