Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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