you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize