dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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