using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
