First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You're a waste of cheezeits
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
