So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
