You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
