I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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