I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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